Taking My Own Advice

If you saw my previous two posts, you know that I've been reading and pondering about living a more authentic life. It's not that I think that I am putting on a front, but I do think in an attempt to maintain an optimistic outlook on life, I don't like to focus on hard things. Lately, my hardest thing has been fertility issues. This means an endless stream of prescriptions, lots of doctor visits, disappointing results, and uncertainty. I don't bring any of this up to complain, but because I'm starting to think that I need more of an outlet and because I don't think I'm being fully myself if I don't acknowledge this huge part of my current reality.

In all cases, doctors say that stress inhibits your body. I have been reminded of this repeatedly as I have made my way in and out of the San Ramon Kaiser. I don't know how to be optimistic - to keep hoping for a positive pregnancy result after each round of treatment, and how to also be realistic. I don't know how to anticipate or handle the random bursts of hormone side effects that appear at the most unexpected times.

That said, I do know God is the details. He's in the chance meeting of a woman who is nearly eight months pregnant with her second baby who also worked with my same fertility doctors for both her girls. He's in the hug from my husband when I feel sad about the label "the couple with no kids". He's in the encouraging texts from my mom and sisters when I'm nervous about giving myself a shot. He's in the unquestionable joy I feel for other women who are having babies of their own. He's in the love of friends who listen without judgment as I talk through my fears and concerns. Even in hard times, God is there.

I know things will work out and when a baby comes, the struggle to get that sweet spirit here will be replaced by perfect joy. Here's hoping that it's sooner rather than later.