Thursday, October 30, 2008

One of My Favorites

Teachers aren't supposed to have favorites, but of course, we do. The kids that walk in and melt my heart on the spot are each so different- it could be their sense of humor or the fact that they propel discussion forward with randomly brilliant comments. Or it could be that I can see in an instant their potential and their past - in a glance I can see their twenty-something self and their seven-year-old self. I love them for who they've been and who they can be, and I love that I get to be with them for a short part of their journey....

One of my favorite students is struggling right now. I adore this kid--I was drawn to him from the first couple weeks of school last year. A kid who was so tiny when he came in as a fifteen-year-old sophomore, and who has grown into an insightful, but misguided junior. He needs one of those ten second visions my Raintree girlies always talked about-- a chance to see what could be possible in the next ten years. He's not seeing past today, and day by day, I watch him slide farther away from the person he could be. I want to shake him-- ask him what he's doing and what he wants. And the sad thing is, I don't think he knows. The rough thing is that I'm not his mom, his friend, his counselor - I'm barely even his teacher since this year he's only a T.A. But I feel like I'm one of the last solid adults standing between him and the chasm he's throwing himself into as he pushes all the others away...what am I supposed to do? Such a fine line between listening and accepting who he is and challenging him on the decisions he's making.

He lied to me today, and it physically hurt to acknowledge that. And even worse, to acknowledge that I cannot fix him. There's no perfect educational tenet for how to make him care or to help him understand how much the people around him care, not about his academic life, but just about him. My program director in college always said, "Even the good Lord can't save them all," to let those of us who would try to save all our students know it wasn't possible. I'm truly sorry to admit tonight that she was right, and I confess that I don't really know where to go from here. Except that I'll wake up, go to work, and look him in the tomorrow demanding calmly an explanation--which won't satisfy me because even in his honest explanation, I'll still know that he has very hard road ahead - one that I'll have to be content to watch and to trust that God knows best. Hopefully Prof. Nelson is wrong about this kid, but as he is one of my favorites, I'd like to see him graduate and go on to live a very happy life...

3 comments:

forget laundry said...

you are such a compassionate person... I always wish I had a lot more of you in me. And you always know how to say just what is needing to be said- without pushing, without demeaning, without forgetting what's most important. People. I love the way you love all people. You were born to be a teacher. hope it goes well with this favorite student of yours... keep me updated.

Shelly Meron said...

As in most relationships, you can only "fix" people to a certain extent. Sometimes you just have to let go, let them make mistakes you saw coming, and be there for them if and when they call out for your help.

You are an amazingly compassionate, nurturing person, so I understand why it is so difficult for you to deal with this. Remember that you can only do so much, that this kid's success or failure does not depend on you alone. He has to come to some of these realizations himself.

Anonymous said...

That is interesting to hear your thoughts. I never once stopped to think about what my teachers thought of me as I was going through their classes in high school. I hope everything turns out with this student and that you can at least be a positive influence in his life for a bit longer.
I hope all kids have the opportunity to have a teacher like you in school. I think its great that your care about your students like that. Good luck and keep us updated!