Monday, January 31, 2011

Sometimes I wish...

Sometimes I wish there was someone who would tell me what to do – where to move – what job to pursue. I am feeling exceptionally aimless right now. The looming uncertainty that is my future is starting to eat away at the peace of mind that I have worked so hard to construct over the past eight months.

I realized this weekend while I searched for my future in the Pacific Northwest, that I built too a large chunk of piece of mind on the idea that Seattle was the place. Don’t get me wrong, I love that area. But I am unsure that it is the place that I am supposed to move and start my new life.

When I took a job after my undergrad, I knew I wanted to stay in Utah. The job in Heber was a perfect fit. When I left Utah, I struggled with the idea of leaving a school I loved so much, so I made a deal with God (something I generally wouldn’t recommend) – if I was supposed to move back to the Bay Area, I wanted to teach at San Ramon. If I got the job there, I would pack my bags and start over. If I didn’t get the job, I was staying in Utah. No other alternatives or options needed to apply. Obviously, I went, I taught, and then life twisted sharply landing me back in Utah again.

Now though I have nothing to bargain with. I don’t have a dream job or even a job that I know without a shadow of a doubt that I qualify for. This time I feel completely alone.

I know though that this is my path to discover. I just wish I had more of a road map or even a clue of where to begin because right now I feel like I maneuvering through dense fog – the kind where you can only see a few feet in front of you – with no perceptible sunshine in sight.

Long story short, I really need my Monday to be over. Good night!


Melanie said...

Please know I am sending you a big hug and a caffeine run.

Jenny said...

I Love you, and I am sorry you have to suffer through accounting (suffering is the only possible word to describe today's class or four hours of Norm). This entry so closely mirrored the concerns and worries I've been having. If you ever need company or a sounding board, I'm here.