Columbine Remembered

I know it's not a typical topic for public forum, but today marks the 10 year anniversary of the Columbine high school shootings. The events of that day have been on my mind as I have watched the days of April fly by. We all can remember where we were and what we were doing on September 11th. I can also replay April 20, 1999 with almost the same clarity. Watching the events of that day unfold changed me forever. It was the first time I realized how devastatingly cruel people could be to each other, and a piece of that innocence that accompanies youth slipped away. I was running for student government and spent night crying as I listened to first hand news accounts and colored campaign posters - such stark contrasts between the respective realities of Columbine and Clayton Valley.

I would have been a good study participant then in vicarious grief processing- filling an entire journal in the month that followed Columbine. In that journal, an angsty 15-year-old filled the pages with probing questions about why people hurt each other and why God could let something happen to good people like Cassie Bernal. The angsty teenager has been replaced by the introspective adult. I still shudder when someone refers to the lock on my classroom door as a Columbine lock - the type of lock installed on most school doors in recent years so that teachers can lock them from the inside instead of having to open the door to lock it- something that cost lives at Columbine. And I think about my kids - the 174 that I have this year and all that they're capable of - and the kids who lost their lives in a matter of minutes. I can't fathom it on any level what it would be like to experience that.

I have no great moment of clarity or summation to accompany this memory and my past few days of pondering. It is what it is, and I just needed to write it down. I needed to say that I remember, and that I pay closer attention to my students has individuals because of what happened that fateful day.

Oh wow - the writer's strike has ended after a solid five weeks of intense talks (I'm not schizophrenic - it just sounds more interesting that there's been inner drama). Besides being really busy, it's hard to write about what's going on in life when you've lost your job and you're sure what you're doing next (especially when I'm one of the lucky ones that can say that I love my job and the people I work with). So finally, an update and a few pictures from the last couple weeks.

Story #1 "Seeing New Colors"
In February, I found out that I would be part of that group who can say they have been affected by the economic downturn. At first, I thought I was totally fine. I had semi-expected it since I'm relatively new to my school district. But as reality set in, and I told my students that I wouldn't be returning in the fall I got angry and so sad about losing a job that I love. All I could see was pink (the color that had tagged to teachers losing jobs because of pink slips. But now, while my horizons still burn with a tinge of pink, I am mostly seeing blue - Cougar blue to be specific. As of August 31st, I will officially be a student at BYU again seeking a Masters degree in Public Administration (to do non-profit or HR work or just go back to teaching once with a higher degree). I'm excited to be transitioning from one place I love to another.




Story #2 "Living the Good Life"
Everyone should have a spring break. It makes everything better and the week preceding and after it much more relaxed. Here are a few pictures of what I did with my week of freedom (besides grade of course).


Someday Jewels and I will take pictures together, but for now here's Mae. I flew into Utah to attend classes at BYU to make sure I liked the feel of the program. Of course, spending time laughing with Maezers and hanging out with Ryan, Jewels, and Brett were great too.





Let's be honest - one of the reasons I live and breathe is baseball. I know, I know - the Giants are horrible. But on Opening Night, they honored Tim Lincecum and for a brief few hours, we believed that this season could be the one.


If you haven't been to the Giants ballpark, give me a call. I will gladly play tour guide. Before our game, we hit up a great Indian food restaurant, but for tourist friends, a Giants hot dog is a must (vegetarians need not apply - kidding, sort of).



I finally finished my project - books and pictures of people/places I love. Random, I know, but I'm glad to be finished. I love walking by it when I get home at night.

Some of you may be thinking, how could I tear up my beloved books? It was harder than you might think - I am so weird about my books...



The Easter bunny came a bit early and to celebrate my parents, Cameron, Jenessa, and I went to a fabulous dinner in a private room San Francisco's acclaimed "Boulevard" and saw Wicked. Phenomenal night - best performances I have seen in a long time. I could have sat through another show immediately following the completion of the first.




It was Tim's last Saturday in the Bay Area, so a few friends and I decided to make the trek to city so show him what why everyone secretly wishes they were Californians.

Admit it, you wish you were here. I wish you were--

Story #3 "Yes, She Defies Gravity"
This is a reference to my fabulous niece who, as you can see from above, is sitting up and in the first stages of crawling. She "sings" all the time - Pre-School Musical (the Disney channel's next project) will star her in 2012. Be excited!

Did you make it through all that? Wow - well done.

Stay Tuned

Your regular blogging programming will return shortly after the writer's strike ends. Stay tuned for "Living the Good Life" - a tale of the spring break phenom, "Seeing New Colors" - the transitional update of what goes on after seeing only pink for a few weeks, and "Yes, She Defies Gravity" - a fabulous coming-of-age story. Now back to the hum-drum writer's strike talks. Contracts should be signed within the week...

I can't describe...

I can't describe how wonderful it was to go to the temple to receive my endowment last Saturday. My younger brother Ryan also went through that day. To have so many of the people I love most in one room was one of the most comforting feelings. I left the temple with renewed faith in God's plan for our lives and for our families. We really are so blessed.



I can't describe how much fun it was to have all the temple goers over for a luncheon at my grandparents' house. Fabulous people, Grandma Sycamore's bread, Joshua bonding with my grandpa, Ellie eating fake fruit, lounging in the front room just talking to those fabulous people-- It was a perfect afternoon.



ps. Can you believe how big Mae is getting? She is officially six months old! And those three women (I cannot call myself that with a straight face by the way) in that last picture are three of the original four suitemates from my freshman year at BYU. It's been seven and a half years since we first arrived in Cougarland. Craziness!

Recent Times Defined

M.I.A. - the only way to describe me and the blog world recently.

Vortex - what the Starbucks on Las Trampas and facebook chat feels like.

Pink - the color all teachers are supposed to wear tomorrow in support of those whose jobs are affected by the state budget crisis.

Released - what the school district calls my lay-off.

Heath and Kate - my two favorite Oscar winners. I love the anticipation of what Kate will do next and miss what Heath could have been.

Nebulous - what my future looks like.

Saturday - a day I've looked forward to for a long time.

Portland - where Ryan was recently called to serve and where my dad served nearly thirty years ago.

40 degrees - the temperature of my pool when my friends and I decided to jump in last Friday.

Baked Potato Soup - the taste of friendship this past week as Rachel has continued to be an anchor and a constant source of entertaining distraction.

Saddle Rack - a place everyone should go to at least once. Who thought country dancing could look like that?!

Clever Sign-off - something I cannot come up with at this particular moment. Good night!

Today I wish...

Today I wish I was an artist - a person who could pick up those fabulous charcoal pencils or pick out a canvas of perfect size and put my thoughts and feelings into colors and shapes. Painting my nails (they're dark plum by the way - so dark, that I look like I'm flirting with my middle school skater days) and doodling during staff meetings are as close as I get.



Today I wish I was a fortune teller - a person who could read the stars or look into a crystal ball and know what my next steps are. What will I do if I lose my job? Do I go back to school, and if so, what for?

Today I wish I was able to snap my fingers and be anywhere - a person who could be with the people I love most at a moment's notice or on the slightest whim. Though all signs of magical snapping are far off, thanks to my phone I got to talk to two of my dearest friends on my prep period - perfect use of time.



Today I am a teacher - a person who gets to encourage and push teenagers who act like they do not want encouragement and who hate being pushed. It's a role I cannot imagine relinquishing without a fight.

Today I am a friend - a person who gets to catch up and hear what my favorite friends are up to - the good and the less-than-perfect. It's a privilege and a comfort.

Tomorrow, who knows what I will be? The possibilities are just waiting to be experienced.

My Proust Questionnaire

I first read Margaret Atwood’s Proust Questionnaire when an old roommate’s “Vanity Fair” was left at my apartment in Provo. I was intrigued by the questions, Atwood’s flair and verbal prowess, and how I would answer the questions. Some answers change all the time, but that is what I love about these questions. Without making this anymore dramatic, my Proust Questionnaire--

What’s your idea of perfect happiness?
-Laughing around the dinner table with my family

What is your greatest fear?
-Losing the people I love and not being able to have kids

Which living person do you most admire?
-So many people live extraordinary lives – at this minute, my hilarious and comforting Grandma Joan

What is the trait you most deplore in others?
-Mistreatment of others

What is your greatest extravagance?
-Books and iTunes

What is your favorite journey?
-The drive up to Sundance and though I’ve never done it, driving a country road in England

On what occasion do you lie?
-When revealing what I think will make me or the person asking the question vulnerable

Which living person do you most despise?
-I have only offered to run over one person in my life – only a few special souls know who that is

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
-“Random” “No worries” “It’s all good” “In what universe”

What is your greatest regret?
-Not telling people hard things

When and where were you happiest?
-You know, I cannot answer that question – there are some great moments in my life – the two hours holding Dylan the day after he was born, the moment I found out Jewels was coming to BYU, sitting next to Jenessa on beach chairs in Hawaii reading our books, standing in the sealing room of the Draper Temple, laughing with Tracy on a lazy Sunday morning, dinner with my fabulous Raintree girls at Cafe Pierpont in Salt Lake

What is your current state of mind?
-Tired, anxious, and blissful after spending an hour in the sunshine

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
-My snarky comments that are out of my mouth before I have thought about it

What do you consider your greatest achievement?
-Having strong relationships with my fabulous family and dear friends

What is your most treasured possession?
-My books – in their pages are friends created by fabulous writers, notes and mementos from living friends, and ideas that shaped who I am now

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
-Feeling helpless when others are struggling

Where would you like to live?
-Europe (calls my name even when I sleep)

What is your favorite occupation?
-Sitting deep in conversation with a good friend with a window open bringing in a cool breeze

What is your most marked characteristic?
-As defined by my freshman dorm floor, “Most likely to give someone a dollar for drugs.” Insult? I thought so initially. They meant I give people the benefit of the doubt and believe in the best that people have to offer.

What is the quality you most like in a man?
-Conversationally brilliant, honest, and good

What is the quality you most like in a woman?
-Funny, genuine, passionate, and kind

Who are your favorite writers?
-Marcus Zusak…Jonathan Safran Foer…Mitch Albom…Nicole Krauss…Kate Chopin…Victor Hugo…F. Scott Fitzgerald…Jodi Picoult…Arthur Miller…C.S. Lewis…Jane Austen…John Steinbeck…Jhumpa Lampiri…Khaled Hosseini

Who is your favorite hero of fiction?
-I will never commit to having just one. That library that the Beast gives Belle in “Beauty and the Beast” is not enough to contain my fictional heroes.

What is it that you most dislike?
-People who speak with authority about things they know nothing about

How would you like to die?
-To quote the brilliant Margaret Atwood, “Of a painless disease, with a month’s warning, on a spring day, with some good news in hand.”

What is your motto?
-Love Life, Bring Joy